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A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy,
Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith.
The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown.
The geek passes out.
The big guy fans him and brings him too.
Why did you pass out he asked?
The geek replies, what did you say your name was?
Turner Brown he replies.
Oh God the geek says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".
It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in
their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his
meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his
cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted
into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A
third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.
Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.
"What's going on, here?" asked Rocky.
"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one
joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time
telling the joke, we just call out it's number."
So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the
yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night,
wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and
everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals
of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.
After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing.
More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah,
waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.
"I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill still laughing?"
"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He never heard that one before!"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.
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